Posted by: adithoughts | June 11, 2012

Why I’m afraid of being a doctor

Why I’m afraid of being a doctor

The first time I was afraid,
of being a doctor,
was in high school,
because I didn’t want to,
have deaths on my conscience,
so I decided to study journalism instead,
to tell other people’s stories.

As I grew older,
I realised that,
even though there would be times
when my conscience would weigh on me,
it would be no more than the other person’s,
wearing the white coat,
so I took the plunge into medicine.

I’ve become afraid again,
this time of fighting death,
since I’m just a traveller through life,
who shares the same weaknesses and vulnerabilities,
as my patients,
my studies,
make me keenly aware,
of all the questions,
for which I don’t have an answer.

I’m afraid of telling my patients,
that I can’t help them,
just when they need me most,
with death looming over.

I don’t even know what I’ll do,
when it’ll be my time,
to stare death in the face?

I do know I will be scared and in pain,
beaten and broken,
losing the fight,
to stay alive.

What I’ll need most,
are my companions in life,
people I trust and love,
holding my hand,
taking the pain away,
coaxing me to go on fighting,
to not be afraid,
because I’m not alone in this,
as I lie there weak and vulnerable,
and if I lose,
which I will one day,
to give me dignity in death.

Maybe doctors are not meant to be gods,
and have all the answers,
but instead be that companion,
patients trust and love,
to hold their hand,
stop the pain,
help them fight,
by their side,
especially when there are no sure answers,
and death is looming over,
because that’s when they’re needed the most,
and if death finally wins,
to give patients dignity in the end.

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Responses

  1. very thoughtful, sincere poem aditya. it conveys a sense of pain and struggle, but also of dignity and purposefulness. wonderfully written.

    i love reading what you write!

    • Thanks Kaif!

  2. Hi Cheeku,

    I find that when I am frustrated with my work, or the meaning of my work, it helps me immensely to just walk over to the hospital or clinic that uses scans/sequences and devices that are developed at our department. Maybe it would help you, if you went and attended presentations at the bioengineering department etc and see what new technology the engineers are working on and what new tools you can look forward to, that will help your patients in the future. 🙂

  3. Hi Urvi,

    That’s a good idea! I have always had an interest in science and the latest developments. I’ll keep it in mind during clinical rotations.

    Cheers

  4. wonderful! 🙂

    • Thanks Shruti!


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